Resume Of A To-Be CM

 Here is the profile of a CM in waiting :-

Educational Qualifications-

• Class 3 dropout.
• Awarded honourary doctrate by MIT (Mumbai Institute of Tiffinwalas), estb. 2009, courtesy yours' truly. 
  

Work Experience-

• Part of the team that rigged election booths in Bihar.
• One of the 'goondas' who regularly beat up journalists for making statements that were against Indian Culture.
• Regularly beat up couples on Valentines Day and threatened to get them married off.
• Was Team Leader of Supplies Team for the mob that burnt the opposition leader's house
• Regularly clashed with opposition workers over trivial matters, torching buses and cars in the process.
  

Projects-

• 'Convinced' scientists to conduct a study showing that deforestation was not linked to global warming, hence the act of selling land occupied by forest to builders has zero carbon footprint. 
  
• Built a 50 foot statue of the party chief, which was installed in a park.
• Organised a first of its kind state wide bandh, where there was a bandh only in the constituencies where the opposition won.
• 'Collected' funds from civilians and shopkeepers for the golden jubilee celebration of the party.

Achievements-

• Single-handedly sparked the protests for demand of a new state.
• Was acquitted in both of the murder trials, including the appeal of the first one.
•  Was successful in stopping the 'forceful' conversion of Dalits. Even managed to 'reason' with the nuns operating the missionaries to relocate.
•  Helped in 'redevelopment' slum areas amounting to 500 acres. Similarly, helped in 'development' of 300 acres of land previously occupied by forests.
• Revenue of the Department during my charge as a Minister showed 'marked increase' as compared to previous year's revenue.

Hobbies-

• Collecting cars of the Porsche brand.
• Hawala
• Architecture, especially admiring those in foreign countries.
  
• Socialising with cricketers and Bollywood actors.

Sad part is that even though this is a piece of satire, it is still true.

Etymology Of "Like A Developed Nation"

Recently the block of developed nations at Copenhagen have undermined the Kyoto Protocol. The Kyoto Protocol states that the industrialized nations have a historic responsibility as they solely contributed to global warming in the past. Hence they should be the ones undertaking the most reduction in green house gases and should also help the developing nations financially and through transfer of technology to reduce emissions. After they effectively shrugged off this responsibility at Copenhagen,what better way to poke fun at them than to coin a new term for irresponsible people?

Thus the phrase "like a developed nation" is born. It means not owning up to a mistake committed in the past, and trying to pass on the blame to the person/party who is the victim.

Examples of usage are as follows:
-Girlfriend to boyfriend,"Don't act like a developed nation by saying that I was the one who seduced you."
-Pakistan is acting like a developed nation by claiming Indian influence in Balochistan resulted in the civil war.
-The professor behaved like a developed nation by blaming the students for their lack of knowledge.

What Is Really Happening At Copenhagen

Climate Change is on everone's mind these days, because of the much publicised Climate Conference at Copenhagen, Denmark. Emission caps, Bali Action Plan and the Kyoto Protocol are the most talked in this conference. People, do not be fooled, for appearances can be deceptive. My ultra-secret sources at Copenhagen confirmed what I had suspected all along. The conference is a sham!

What we know is far from the truth. The conference has nothing to do with climate change. It is a fierce strategic battle. A battle for caps, quite literally. Leaders of the various nations of the world are trying to divert a catastrophe more devastating than the climate change.

Each leader is trying to attract celebs to their country, so that their country has a national hobby. And also because the people will pay less attention to the real issues and spend their time following those lame celebs. It is common knowledge that currently, the US is the country that obsesses about celebs. And celebs flock to US because all the pioneering fashion designers are based there. So, the aim of each head of state, is to attract all the celebs to their country, led like rats by their designers.

They will do this using a very strategic piece of clothing. It is a well known fact that fashion creates a lot of buzz about a piece of clothing that is least useful for regular people. So, what better way to attract fashion designers than by claiming there is a dearth of caps in one's country? It is but obvious that faced with such a business prospect and the opportunity of increasing one's brand value, the designers will flock to such a country.

That's why all the people at Copenhagen are talking about 'caps'. Everyone is concerned about their 'caps'. Developed countries say, that developing countries should act responsibly, and help reduce the effect of recession by allowing the designer to stay on in the developed world. Hence India and China should have more caps! But developing countries say, all this dearth of celebs is due to the media (paparazi) of the developed world, which reduces them to a trainwreck. Hence, now it is the developing countries's time, and there should more caps in developed countries.Thus, all countries have thrown their hats into the ring (such puns are irresistable). Such type of childish quarelling resulted in a deadlock at Copenhagen.

This has resulted in the think-tanks of the various countries putting on their thinking caps and analysing the story about the hat seller who made the monkeys throw their hats on the ground. After all, mankind has evolved from monkeys! These intellectuals have found innovative ways to out-think their competition. They are now claiming that thinking caps are also a variation of the cap, and hence the other countries are not in as much distress as they are!

All said and done, the conference is boiling down to its final stages. I personally feel that India is brutally handicapped considering that Mr. Manmohan Singh, India's Prime Minister, is a Sardarji. And India also has a long standing tradition where people wear caps and turbans af various colours and hues. Pakistan meanwhile, being a Muslim nation, have either hidden or destroyed all their skull caps. The Interior Minister of Pakistan, Rehman Malik is now claiming that the skull caps do not belong to Pakistan and are demanding proof of the fact that such caps ever existed in Pakistan. To top that, they are demanding financial aid from the USA, claiming that they need it to fight the outflux of caps to Afghanistan!

Thus, I have succesfully demonstrated that the Copenhagen conference is nothing but a mad-hatters' ball!

Effects Of Hunger Strike Explored

Hunger strike is the in-thing these days. Just ask the to-be civilians of the state of Telangana. As such, it is of utmost importance that the phenomenon of hunger strike be analysed. It is a helpful tactic when blackmailing a higher authority. That and it is also of minute relevance to the Telangana issue, which means the media can fill space with such analysis when there is no other 'news' (read liaisons of celebrities) to report.

The concept of hunger strike is a very noble one, because when you go on a hunger strike, a lot of people follow suit. When a sufficiently large number of people go on a hunger strike, this causes demand for food to drop. Which means, the cost of food will drop despite the inflation and recession. Thus, hunger strike will effectively reduce the food prices, enabling the poor to buy and eat as much food as they can. Thus hunger strike is the only way to reduce hunger!

Also, as we have seen, the recession has badly affected all forms of commerce, including healthcare. With bailouts for financial firms and automotive giants, the heathcare sector has been plainly ignored. When people will go on a hunger strike, they will require some some form of medication or medical attention, which has been very recently demonstrated by KCR. A large number of people undergoing a hunger strike means an increase in the number of people requiring the services of the healtcare sector. Thus the hunger strike is a bailout for the healthcare sector from the people, for the people, by the people!


Besides, the hunger strike is the fountain of youth which will revive the aging BJP to its prime. We all know that the Telangana issue was KCR's baby. But over the years, his idealogy became outdated and lost steam, which is happening to BJP now. Cornered and faced with the possibility of having no political clout at all, KCR did what any respectable politician would do- resorting to blackmail and skullduggery.  The BJP should take a page out of the TRS's books and just go on a hunger strike. The issue is secondary, it's the hunger strike that's more important. There, problem solved, no chintan-baithak required!


The enterprising show-biz community has already been inspired by the hunger strike. The phenomenon of hunger strike will be modified on the lines of 'brain drain' to create an altogether new  concept of 'flab drain' by them. People who will gain the most from this brand-new uber concept will be people like Vandana Luthra and various modeling agencies. 'Flab drain' involves first creating a group of people consisting of Indians and firangs. Then segregate Indians from the firangs, giving a preference to the firangs. The Indians will not be provided with cutlery at all, while the firangs will be given cutlery made of silver. The reason for not providing Indians with cutlery shall be- budget constraints due to provisions of silver cutlery to the firangs. The Indians will go on a hunger strike, at the same time, the firangs will gain weight.
This will benefit obese Indians, at the same time also providing modeling agencies with models who are not overweight for a change.

There are also very minor issues like destruction of public property in the protests that follow a hunger strike, disruption of life, damage to the industry in terms of loss of production, unnecessarily diverting attention from conferences that discuss climate change and hence the future of the world,etc that shall not be discussed.

Keeping in mind the numerous positive aspects of a hunger strike, the state of  Telangana, which owes their creation to the hunger strike, have already forwarded a demand to waste money for causes other than creation of the state by setting up a diamond-studded memorial with an eternal flame signifying the eternal hunger pangs that one has to endure during hunger strikes. I'm sure Gandhiji and all those married women who fast for their husbands on Karva Chauth would be proud.

No Smoking- The Sequel

Warning - The following link contains an extremely graphic image.
Today, aimless surfing on the net revealed to me this- a warning label on a cigarette pack (Link found on Reddit). The labels on our desi cigarette packs are very ineffective in comparison. A lot of chain smokers would be repulsed after seeing these warning labels.

Civic Sense

It is said that common sense is not common. I beg to differ. I believe common sense as well as civic sense is not common. Civic sense is that basic awareness that you live in society. A society that not only consists of you, but also the millions of people around the world. And that you cannot expect preferential treatment just because your name is known to many people. Or because you have a higher IQ than most people, or have scored more marks than a majority of people. Or, in other words, you cannot undermine other people's rights or privacy, or decline them some facility as long as you are a part of this society.

As strong worded as the above paragraph may be, what is on my mind is trivial as compared to gender,race or religion bias. What is on my mind is caring for your neighbours. I don't mean serving them garma-garam jalebis when they return from work. In my case, it is as simple as lowering the volume of music, and not treating public property as the dowry you received during your marriage.

More specifically music. The simple reason why you should not play blaring music, and sing along, changing your voice to match the pitch of the singer, is that people judge you on the basis of your taste of music. Backstreet- fag,Metal- maniac/geek,Classical- girlish,Rap- wannabe firang/cool cat. You get my point. But the other, more traditional reason is, civic sense -your neighbour will get irritated. If I turn out to be your neighbour, I may probably bring a camera and film you swaying to the music, singing in a thin,girlish voice because you can't match the pitch of the Backstreet Boys. And then, I will post it on youtube!

Or consider this other scenario, where people do some dubious activities where they are not supposed to do it. In my case, when people wash their FEET at the WASH BASIN. I'm sure the makers of the wash basin must have created it for washing your face or hands only. And this becomes much more obnoxious when the bathroom is located just a foot behind you. Bhaina!!(Oriya equivalent of "Dude!") You just have to turn around to wash your feet without inconveniencing anyone else! But no, he washes his feet right there, pouring water out of his palms and onto his feet, allowing everyone else the pleasure of having to tiptoe through the pool of muddy water. I think if I ever catch that guy performing his ritual again, I shall immediately proceed to take a bath in front of the wash basin. If he washed something apart from his hands and face at the wash basin, why can't I do the same?

Moral of the story is- people will keep on inconveniencing other people, even If you give them a hint that they are doing so. It's just this thing about human behaviour, call it ego if you will, that makes people indifferent, shameless and proud. They only way you can shatter that mirage is by doing things that are most despicable, so that you can harness their 'ego', and force them into thinking,"I'm never going to behave like this retard!". Reverse Psychology at it's best!

P.S.- Please share your experiences of such shameless behaviour by commenting.
P.P.S.- I have not blown a fuse, please read my previous posts before you judge me on the basis of only this post.

Friday The 13th

Last Friday was Friday the 13th. Not as scary as the fact that it was also the day that my Microprocessor lab test was held. Normally, any lab test, or any test for that matter does not freak me out. But this one was different from the others in the fact that a certain G.S.Rath was the teacher handling the lab. I was almost sure he would turn up dressed up as Jason.

G.S Rath, is no ordinary teacher. By one of my friend's generalization that every department has such a species of Rath(Chemical-P.Rath, Computer Science-S.K.Rath), he is the Rath of the ECE Department. But there are some virtues that sets this particular Rath apart. He is a senior citizen, so is senile and unpredictable. So is my grandfather, you say? But this guy, he will conjure a reason out of thin air to shout and admonish, and dismiss you as a "NIT Bigshot". Consider this. We were not able to write a program he asked us to run. A GMAT took the pains of writing the program, running it on an 8086 emulator on his laptop, debug it, get a printout of that program, and turn out prepared for the next class. He even brought his laptop to the lab to troubleshoot. But, very predictably, the program did not work on the 8086 kit. So he approaches GSR. And GSR scolds him for bringing a laptop to the lab, even as majority of us are discovering innovative ways to pass the time in the lab. But that is what senile old Professors do, don't they? Well, he is not a Rath for no reason. He also cracks these God-level PJs and swears at students in all languages, like Oriya, Sanskrit,etc. Just recently he lavished praise upon someone as being a "tirotpati banaro", or something like that. It's Sanskrit for a monkey whose brain has been ripped out of it's skull. Or sample this, during a lab class, when not a single soul was able to execute a program, he very smugly says," I have set up a Microprocessor Lab in narako(Oriya for hell). Does anyone wan't to go there?", and starts laughing with a vile satisfaction, as if his nemesis has been paraded naked on a donkey. This sparked of a debate that the reason GSR will not die, is because Yamaraj is also afraid of him!

So, on a Friday the 13th, I prepared myself to face this monster (whom I shall nickname G.S wRath), and answer his questions in the viva voce. Turns out I picked up an chit with an easy program, but the program won't run. So I reluctanlty ask GS wRath why this is happening. Quite predicatably, he smacks his head hard with his palm, and expresses his discontent with a high pitched "Huuuh!". He then gives us a hint, along with niceties like,"Your brain has melted". But the program runs, and GS wRath is satisfied.

All said and done, I feel the senile and vitriolic nature, not to mention those unbeleivably wild PJs, is why everyone will remember him for a long time. He is no doubt brash with students, but during the lab exams, he handled even the dumbest people with patience, giving them hints and trying to make them realize their mistakes.

Invasion Of The Body Snatchers 2- Kept In The Dark

Continuing from my previous post, I am (not) a little sad to announce that aliens have succeded in taking over BJP's President, Rajnath Singh. The media caught wind of the abduction, and was successful in reporting it. But, if they had probed further, they would have come across that which lay just under the surface of things. The entire event was a well planned abduction by aliens. Under the cover of darkness, and at about 3,000 metres above sea level, they swiftly occupied Rajnath Singh's body.

The aliens finished him before he could say,"Jai Shri Ram!"

After capturing Rajnath Singh, the aliens started plotting to plunge the people of India into doom. They hatched an evil plan to ruin India forever. Rajnath Singh came out with his latest statement to the media- that there should be laws against mass religious conversions. Those aliens always knew religion controls a barrage of emotions. So what better thing to incite the people with? An approximate translation of his (we now know who it actually was...) statement is as follows-
The BJP has lost elections again. There need to be more Hindus in this country. Mass conversions should be banned and people should be forced to convert to Hinduism. Alleging that Pakistan is supporting conversion should garner enough attention. Thus we shall allow people to "choose their own religion". It is only then that our ideology of Hindutva can be saved from being rendered redundant. Certain states like Arunachal Pradesh, Madhya Pradesh and Jharkand have low Hindu population. We shall to do these states what we did to Gujarat and recently Orissa. Call Togadia!

Because of this statement, the people of India will completely loose confidence in the BJP and ruin themselves by voting the Congress into power, again and again, and again. Aliens-1,Sardarjis-0.

But this isn't our only concern. My highly effective intelligence sources tell me that this isn't the first instance. The aliens had already taken over Advani and Jaitley, who kept the other BJP leaders in the dark about ground realities. And they plan to keep this up via Rajnath Singh's statement.

They are already long gone

Invasion Of The Body Snatchers

Have you seen, or even heard about the flick, Invasion Of The Body Snatchers? Better watch it, because they are here for real, and they are very swiftly going about their work (body snatching). They have taken the richest and the most powerful men, and they are out to get you. Be alert, be cautious, for when things go bump(or even 'buuurrp") in the night, you may be next. But don't worry if you hear repeated bumps, that's just your neighbour making love. One repeated pattern is victims hearing cries of "WTF!" before being assaulted by the aliens.

The first sighting was in Indonesia, a country that is ultra-conservative, so much so that no one questions religious leaders. Perfect. Just recently, they took control of the body of one Ramli Mansyur, regent of Aceh province.Then, they unleashed their diabolical plan. Ramli Mansyur(or so they think) declared recently that under Sharia Law, women shall be banned from wearing tight trousers and shall have to wear ankle length skirts over trousers(so much for the trousers). This is because "If a woman wears pants and tucks her top in, that's wrong. Even if she is wearing a headscarf, her dress can still show her body shape, and that is not perfect Muslim dress". This may seem rational (??) to some of you, but do not be mislead! They will fool all you mortals into believing that showing your figure...errrr, "form" is against Islam. Then they will slowly populate the Earth by taking over these very believers and hiding themselves inside ghastly burkhas and ankle-length skirts. And things have started happening as I write this very article.

These aliens have already laid siege on some countries and succeeded. Most notably in Pakistan. The alien commander has entered the body of one Rehman Malik (Pakistan's Interior Minister). This was evident in the noticeable difference in Rehman's behaviour. Earlier, he always used to defend Pakistan against allegations of terrorism against India ("Give more evidence!",he said). But now, he is trying to wreak havoc. He has gone on the offensive and is confusing people by claiming that India are funding the Taliban.

It seems even India is not safe, as these aliens have also taken over some of India's powerful men. They are trying to weaken India's defenses by withdrawing 15,000 troops from Kashmir. But no need to worry. India was born ready for such challenges. It seems Sardarjis are immune against these aliens's attack. In fact, the aliens tried to attack our P.M.-Manmohan Singh. But the bad ass he is, MMS survived, and later even retaliated. Just recently he refuted Pakistan's allegations about India funding the Taliban as "far-fetched", and even slammed the OIC (Organisation of Islamic Conference) for appointing an envoy for Kashmir, which is a part of secular India.  His trusty sidekick, Montek Singh Ahluwalia even gave a stern warning to these aliens that since India is virtually run by Sardarjis, these aliens should retreat back to their own galaxy. He also added that we have a secret weapon (Harbhajan Singh is my guess), which all Sardarjis will reveal at the stroke of midnight. He even threatened to call for reinforcements (emigrated Sardarjis) from Canada. There is no chance that the aliens can colonize us now. And so, the Earth was saved from the aliens that went "WTF!" by a chance hero- the Sardarjis

The aliens also attacked Manmohan Singh, but he beat up their ass by spinning on a rod and thrashing them all, like Neo 

PS - A certain Mr. S.K. Sarangi is sure to have replied to Malik saying,"You send us dossiers and dossiers of conclusive evidence, then we will fake the house arrest of the main accused. Till then, my hands are tied."

Twittermania

The tweeple of India tweeted their hearts out yesterday. The hot topic of the day was "unlikely Indian books". The tweeple of India were tweeting about fabricated books that had the least probability of being written. The topic was started by @jhunjhunwala, and credit to him for that. Once the floodgates were released, the tweeple tweeted their hearts out. Pretty soon, the Twitter server was overloaded. There were some very innovative, original, and downright funny books and authors. But like most things that are unregulated or unmoderated, a deluge of half-funny and half-disgusting tweets by "pretenders" starting flooding my screen. That was probably the only downside. But then, Indians witness a periodic spectacle of the same nature, called elections, so they are used to it.

Some of the most funny(read mine-@shishir127) tweets were :
"Sati Savitri" by Sherlyn Chopra
"A Streetcar Named Nano" by Buddhadeb Bhattacharjee
"How To Smile" by S.Mohanty  
"How To Remain Incumbent" by Vilasrao Deshmukh
"How To Be Punctual & Obey Deadlines" by Suresh Kalmadi 
"Power Dressing" by Shivraj Patil
"Untold Conspiracies" by A.R. Antulay
"How To Attract Foreign Investment" by Buddhadeb Bhattacharjee
"Consistency" by India's past Olympic winners
"Everybody Loves Raymond" by Bombay Dyeing
"Responsible Journalism" by India TV
"It Was All A Hoax, Folks!" by India TV    
"My Social Life" by IT Professionals
"I'm Too Old" by Advani
"Customer Satisfaction" by Indian Bureaucracy
"Safety First" by Indian Railways
"I, Proud To Be An Indian" by Sonia Gandhi
"Satyameva Jayate" by Ram Jethmalani
"Loyalty Is A Virtue" by Narayan Rane
"How To Handle Fame And Stardom" by Mimoh
"Commie-raderie" by V.S. Achuthanandan        
"Country Before Money" by Parliamentarians
"Hum Saath Saath Hain" by BJP
"Silence Is Golden" by Mamata Banerjee
"Merit, The Only Criteria" by Arjun Singh
"Great Expectations" by Mayawati
"Role Of Entertainment In Birth Control" by Ghulam Nabi Azad    
"Wardrobe Malfunction" by Shivraj Patil
"Dogs Are Man's Best Friend" by V.S. Achuthanandan
"Recession & Bankruptcy" by BCCI  

Other funny suggestions were-
"Sex,Drugs and Rock'n Roll" by Pramod Muthalik
"Duck Tales" by Ajit Agarkar -@shenyvarun86
"I, Insomniac" by H.D. Deve Gowda -@iyermatter
"Jailhouse Rock" by Ajmal Kasab -@kedars
"Desi Baba" by Ramdev -@sa_lil
"Philately- My Stamp Collection" by Abdul Karim Telgi -@zenrainman
"Adventures With Apertures During Overtures" by The Sting Journalists Assoc -@creatitwitty
"Meri Ma" by Raosaheb Shekhawat
"101 Ways To Use A Remote Control" by Sonia Gandhi
"1001 Expressions" by Arjun Rampal -@over_rated
"Conversation With God" by Pratibha Patil -@over_rated
"How To Win Friend And Influence People" by Vivek Oberoi -@over_rated
The "G" Spot of Indian Politics - The ruling family of India -@guduuu
"Catch Me If You Can" by Ottavio Quattrochi
"I Will Still Call It Bombay" by Karan Johar -@phamitus
"Yeh Hai Bombay Meri Jaan" by Raj Thackeray

For more "celebrity' tweets visit -Gopinath's "Artickles"
If you still can't get enought you can search tweettabs.com or tweetzi.com or tweetmeme.com for the hashtag #unlikelyindianbooks.
Update- Found another blog post on Daniel's Blog.

It's Raining Clowns!

I was browsing the net, when this survey caught my eye. Unlike those test subjects, I was not yakking into a cellphone, so I noticed the clown on the unicycle. What is surprising though, is the ingenuity of those psychologists in using an "out of the box" approach. They chucked out the traditional, boring and so 90's idea of using statistics. Clowns on unicycles is the new in-thing baby!

Maybe next, those people will conduct surveys to measure the hotness of a model by measuring the modulus of elasticity of a man's penis. Or gauge the "surprise" quotient of a statement by measuring Atal Bihari Vajpayee's reaction time. Or estimating the age of an object by asking Advani to recall it. Who knows, these people might check alertness of clowns on unicycles by asking them to report pedestrians talking on cellphones.

Gandhi's Revenge

Earthlings just don't learn. Politicians like Obama, Matt Damon and the Scottish PM have formed a habit of invoking Gandhi's name for some trivial reasons like humanitarian work, Megrahi's release, and some other shit like that. So Gandhi has finally revealed his superpower to us. He's making people who tell lies retract their statement, like the ballon boy. Also, he makes people straying from the righteous path return, like Kapil Sibbal and Jairam Ramesh.

Apparently Jairam Ramesh had a short-term memory loss a-la Ghajini. He had forgotten that he was the Environment Minister of India. Keeping this in mind, his thoughts about agreeing to having legally binding cutbacks on emissions would seem perfectly logical. But, the Mahatma, this time through the other Gandhi (Sonia), managed to bring him back to the path of righteousness.

Another person who seems to have forgotten that he is in responsible to Tamilians residing in India, is M.Karunanidhi. He is next on the Mahatma's hit list for announcing another 500 crore aid package to Sri Lanka for rehabilitation of Tamils. The Mahatma will surely kick his sorry ass.

And a very,very baad PJ after a long time
Q : Why is the BJP hated in Orissa?
A : Because they always go on Rath yatras.

Century

A 100 visitors to my blog! Reason enough to celebrate, and write a new post. Barack Obama congratulated me and said he knew how I feel, what with him winning some dumb medal for doing nothing. So he said he would open a branch of Guantanamo Bay in India, right here in NIT Rourkela to commemorate our achievement. Its going to be innagurated by the honourable ex-President, Mr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam. The most brutal form of torture shall include attending GSR's lectures till the person breaks down or getting girls of our Insti to strip before them.
Also, you can laugh your heart out at my pathetically modifiied photo or at my system which is antideluvian and won't support photoshop.

The "D'oh!" Conspiracy

Reuters reports that the model for Playboy's November edition is- Marge Simpson. That's not all, there's also going to be a three page picture spread. Of all the HUMAN models available, those morons chose an animated one. And one that is not even remotely attractive. There are scores of attractive cartoon characters like Jessica Rabbit, Catwoman, Batgirl, but those guys at Playboy chose the most unattractive of them all. They think that people will actually spend money on the magazine, when it is available for free on the internet, that too to fantasize about some ugly looking cartoon character who is a mother of three. And, the third kid is actually fathered by an alien.They say it is because they wan't to increase the readership among the 20 something customers.

I think it's all a big conspiracy. Extremely tall, curvaceous, gorgeous, sexy, gifted in the right places, and feminist women from Amazon led by Wonder Woman have taken over Playboy. They intend to humiliate men at the World Championship of Arm Wrestling and assert their dominance over the world. This, they intend to accomplish by publishing un-sexy, disgusting photos of everyday women in Playboy. And then follow it up by publishing un-sexy, disgusting photos of cartoon characters. This will completely weaken the muscles in men's arms the world over, if you understand what I mean. Cranky from not being able to satisfy themselves, and weak because of the same reasons, the men will lose their concentrations and hope and fail miserably, and the Amazons will take over the world. Having accomplished their dastardly plan, and turning hormonal, they will finally seek out what they had come here for in the first place- chocolate ice-cream. Then, don't say nobody warned you!
 

 

Oh-Bummer

WTF news of the millenium-Obama wins Nobel peace prize, for his extraordinary effort to strengthen international diplomacy and co-operation between peoples.Now that they're handing them out to anybody, I propose the prizes should be re-allotted to other people who are more deserving to win the other Nobels. Except the Nobel for Chemistry, as that brown American citizen with Indian roots won it, and Indians are already deprived of role models.

The Nobel prize for Economics (if there is one) should go to Raj Thackerey. That genius of a man has demonstrated how it is possible to prevent the immigration of people to prosperous places, and in fact, reverse the trend by causing emigration of people.

The Nobel prize for Medicine should go undoubtedly to the Australian hooligans who keep attacking Indians in Australia who are going to usurp their jobs, homes and country. If it was not for them, the to-be Non-Resident Indians would never have got hurt and cut themselves in ways till now unimaginable. So many emergency procedures would have been undiscovered if it wasn't for those hooligans.

The Nobel prize for Physics should go to ISRO for Chandrayaan.

And, Finally the Nobel peace prize should go to - SHAHRUKH & SALMAN !!

Met Dept - Fail!!

It is an accepted fact that the Indian Met Department sucks, big time. When they predict droughts, people carry spare boats in their cars. When they predict normal rains, majority of India is hit by a drought. But now these guys have broken the cardinal rule.

It is a well known protocol amongst weathermen that freakish weather can be predicted on anything but Global Warming. Scientists have been doing it for decades. The world is not getting hotter due to Global Warming, it is attributed to a large stove placed beneath the earth. But obscure things-like this, are blamed on it.But, the Indian Met Department has done the exact opposite and blamed the deviation in Mumbai's climate on - Global Warming.

Do we have the most lame ass, worthless Met Dept? Yes we do. At least we beat China at something other than corruption.

India Shining?

The Uttar Pradesh State Government is taking up education seriously. The State's Education Board has announced that a new NIT will be set up, obviously named Mayawati NIT(henceforth referred to as MNIT) in honour of the Cheif Minister of UP. The MNIT will include new courses like B.Tech in EVM Rigging, MSc. in Statistics of Vote-Bank Politics, and the ultra-modern, MBA in Goon Management. The campus shall be built on a site where a Government funded shelter for the homeless is located, but only after it has been bulldozed to the ground. Admission to MNIT shall be based strictly on merit, altough some concessions have been made for non-Dalit students who are also good at studies by reserving 10% of the total seats for them.

The campus will boast of modern facilities. There shall be daily practise sessions for rioting and lathi-charging for future politicians on the 2 acres of land stolen from the Railway Board. There shall be various clubs in the college that shall be sponsored by the BSP. These shall primarily deal with recent trends like how to misuse the NSA,Dalit Act(check out link#1 & link#2),etc, embezzlement of state funds, how to use national monuments to start scams,etc.

Students practising rioting in their spare time

The campus life and culture in MNIT will be markedly different than those in other Institutes. The freshers' ragging will include them having to utter slang words like BC, at which the freshers' response is expected to be,"Hum Behenji ke baare me aisi baat kaise kar sakte hain?". The seniors' reply to this is expected to be,"Karega toh Behenji tera ghar jala degi!!". Another different facet of the campus culture is the way birthdays are celebrated here. Normally, people get beaten up like donkeys on their birthdays and are looted of all their cash in the name of birthday treats. But, MNIT is going to set a new trend. The person whose birthday it is will go about searching for his friends, dragging them out of thier rooms and beating them and extorting money from them for celebrating his birthday.(check out link)

Of course, no educational institute is complete without teaching as well as non-teaching faculty. The faculty shall be transfered every 2-3 months for "transparency" and "smooth functioning" of the Institute. In fact, even the Director of the Insitute shall also be changed every 4 months depending on whether the person in question has commited the least number of murders/has the least number of cases pending against him.

Shahabuddin, the next Director? Ex-MP, currently serving a life sentence for kidnapping with intent to murder.

Last, but most importantly, there will be 100% placement at MNIT. Those who could not crack the selection "process" for the BSP will be magically placed in various other Government jobs with either the Police, IAS, HC or the IT Department.

The MNIT is expected to be set up very quickly, with reports indicating that permit has been granted after Mayawati bribed Sonia with the offer of erecting one statue of Rajiv Gandhi for every three statues erected of herself.

Hamaara haath, Mayawati ke saath?

Austerity

With all this racket about austerity nowadays, politicians must be considering a change in career. People become politicians in the hope that someday, they too will swim about in a swimming pool filled with public money, or even have a scores of black-cat commandoes guarding them. They go through so much trouble just for that. Begging for votes from every Tom, Dick and Harry, beating the shit out of all your opponents, rigging polling booths,manipulating votes, spending large amounts of money on your campaign, and even larger on the police and EC officials for keeping their mouth shut. All that is hard work. And they can't even indulge themselves with public money after that? Austerity is a bitch!!

My absolute lack of knowledge of government policies and economics means I can't comment on any of this, but looking at the inflation, unemployment, growth rates, etc, I can say all this is a sham. If the Congress wants to associate itself with the common man, then they should improve their condition, not push more people into the "common" category. At least Mayawati is upfront about what she thinks by building statues of herself, extorting money for her birthday and the works.


Looking at the image, I have a suspicion that very soon, Behenji will replace the lions on the Asoka Pillar with statues of herself!

Another thing that the Congress screwed up, is the interpretation of Shashi Tharoor's "cattle class" tweet. I think I am the only sane person who interpreted his tweet properly. What he meant to say is that the airlines have been successful in competing with the railways. In order to make the people accustomed to travelling by train feel at home, the airlines have started adopting certain strategies.That's exactly what he meant by the "holy cows!!" remark. He was surprised how closely the aircraft interiors resembled the interiors of a train. In fact, due to Twitter's character limit, he couldn't tweet suggestions to make such travelers more comfortable. I'm sure some of those would have included releasing toilet sewage directly onto whatever is below it like trains do, or having the cabin crew selling tea while shouting"Chaaaiyaaa Chaaaaiyaaa" in that particular irritating tone. They already have the delays and technical breakdowns, and you will also feel cheated like you do on the trains because of the overpriced eatables.

Update- Shashi Tharoor tweeted @ 23:56-"i now realize i shldnt assume people will appreciate humour. &u shouldn't give those who wld wilfully distort yr words an opportnty to do so"
That's stating the obvious!

A 'Lite' One

One to commemorate the lite edition of Facebook.

Q: Which social networking site would you use in a horror movie?
A: Faceless Book. (evil laughter....me laughing at your reaction ;) )

Exam Fever

Well, after ecstasy comes agony. So the exams begin. It seems a bit cruel, and extremely ironic that our brains work at their peak only after the exams. Also, did you notice that topics that are taught in 5 mins inevitably cover about 20 pages in the book, and require an hour to study? Murphy's Law triumphs again!

So, I have to study the 8086 microprocessor. While reading the book i spied on a label that said "reprinted with permission from Intel (c)1979". Cutting edge, eh?

Force India managed the front row with 2nd spot on the grid at Italian GP. And Luizzi(not the Mario one) managed a decent 7th. Whereas fizzled-out Fisichella managed only a 14th. Before the switch, that wouldn't be too bad. I think he should be optimistic, becuase 7th row, with Ferrari, after being on the podium in the previous race, I don't think its possible to go lower. Things can only improve from here. In your face Fisichella!! In retrospect, he must be thinking, "Buying stocks of Lehmann Brothers would have been a safer bet...".

In other news, I didn't get to watch football yesterday coz some high-on-patriotism chauvinists yesterday were watching India getting mauled by Sri Lanka. Some right-wing, ulti-relegious people were muttering, "Lanka jeet gayi, ghor kalyug. Chalo Lanka me aag lagaao!". Seriously?? I don't think there's much left there to set on fire. But, the above exchange of words was of course, in jest, and we don't intend on rioting in Lanka.

But the match I wanted to see, Man City vs Arsenal, turned out to be a dud. Nowadays, one can almost bet one's money on Arsenal producing the least favoured result. On this occasion, too, the least favoured result it was. We have a good team with Diaby,Eduardo,Gallas,Vermaelen,Rosicky,RvP, star players(AA,Fab). Our squad is more accustomed to playing together than City's 100-million-instant squad. I guess the only reason we're losing out is because of tactics and formation.

So noting that the particular alignment of Saturn, Jupiter and my ass favours Murphy's Law, it would be safe to bet that both of Force India's cars will be crashing out. It would be an absolute pleasure, though, to watch Raikkonen crash into Fisichella now! That would easily redeem this wretched weekend.

Lame

These ones are related to Wannabe

Q: Wannabe kya favourite tourist destination kaunsa hai?
A: Egypt (pyramids=>triangle!!)

Q: Wannabe ko Dil To Pagal Hai itna pasand kyon aaya?
A: Coz it featureda a love triangle!

Q: Wannabe kin-kin bhagwaan ka bhakt hai?
A: Brahma, Vishnu, Siva. (trimurti!)

Mashup

Disney is going to buy Marvel Comics for 4 billion US Dollars.(Click here for more)

Ever since that deal was announced, the web was flooded with 'mashups' of Disney and Marvel Characters. Here are my favourite of the mashups till now.

Mickey vs. The Marvel Universe

Spider-Girl/Little Mermaid by Jeremy Bernstein

Huey,Duey & Luey bye Desty

The Invincible Iron Mouse by Tim Wollweber

Invincible Iron Mouse Again

Donald/Wolverine by SaiyaGina

Venom/Mickey by Serge Kliavaing

Professor Xkeeter by Ralph White

Punisher/Mickey by Aracnos

I found the Donald/Wolverine one by far the most hilarious one. If you can't beat em, then jump around shouting gibberish with no pants on. That'll teach them.

Closer home, I think a Manmohan Singh/Mickey, or Chidambaram/Elmer Fudd mashup would be interesting. Any suggestions??

For more mashups try the Super Punch blog(click here) or the Damn Cool Pics blog(click here).

Bhed Ki Khaal Mein Bhediya...

This touching photo is doing the rounds of newspapers and websites ever since YSR was declared dead. But what I found disturbing was, is Rahul Gandhi looking at YSR's wife's cleavage?

More importantly, is Manmohan Singh looking at Sonia Gandhi's cleavage?


I guess men will be men(read perverts) whatever be the situation...

Insomnia

Every bloody night, when I go to sleep, they come to haunt me. However, like a pervert spying on a hot, 20-something nymph through a telescope wishes, I just wish that they turn out to be ghosts. But the ever-mocking, power-crazy, eternally-scheming God never let me have it so easy.This mob I am talking about, like a swarm of locusts, consumes every last bit of sanity within me. I like to call them the 'Maghiya Mob'.

Every night, after having devoured a packet of Hide & Seek biscuits, when I proceed to sleep, they begin their quest. Just when you think, not today, I can sleep in comfort, and you have reached that vulnerable point, where you are at the crossroads of deep sleep and an hour of insomnia, they strike.

It starts with very low murmurs. You feel, its only two people passing by, I'm almost there, almost asleep. And then it starts. You feel overpowered and defenceless as they begin. They may seem like a normal bunch of boisterous college folk, but appearances can be misleading. Once they start, there's no hiding.... it hits you squarely in the face.

"Maghiya blah blah blah maghiya blah blah blah maghiya maghiya MAGHIYA MAGHIYA MAGHIYA..."

You can feel the sleep being drained out of you. You think,"No!, I can block this". And then, they stop.... Aaahhhhhhh....peace at last. Then, immediately, as if to mock you, they burst out laughing in a manner so vile, you lose all hope. It intensifies, they get serious, and you hear more maghiyas than blahs. Its at that point, that you are reduced to a mere zombie, waiting, and praying for benevolence. "Make them go" you say. And then, after reaching a crescendo, it stops.

But thats not the end of it. For, they work in shifts....

Halla Bol!!

Today was the day. And it was fun! We finally held a protest to form an official student body in our 'Institute'. And what precisely led to this 'awakening' among our pathetically pessimistic junta?

A final year guy was using a Professor's account to access the net. Apparently, those guys had been using the account for a week, which meant the Prof couldn't use the account. So, he complained. If sources are to be believed, the account password was 'nitrkl123'. I don't know who is more dumb, the students for continuously using the account, or the Prof for the insanely difficult to crack password.

The guy was caught red-handed using the account in his room by the IT guys who had tracked him down. The Director, high on absolute power, thought he could make an 'example' out of this one too. The victim was punished by making him stay back for a 9th semester, so that he could compel other Profs to change their password, you know how... But if you ask me, a 'cyber' crime merits a 'cyber' punishment. Cancel his internet account!

Normally, the punishment would have gone unnoticed among the scores of other such harsh punishments. But, this guy was the topper of his batch. The topper!!! How could they do this to a topper! Imagine, we were all toppers at some time, and this guy, he is the topper among us! He HAS to be GOD!!!!

So at 2 o'clock under the red-hot blazing sun, the smart ones like me, who wore a BLACK t-shirt, which is extremely appropriate for such weather, gathered in front of the main building. Eventually the Director came, and presented a list of things which he agreed to, which basically meant "I agree to do everything but I shall do nothing".

Cut to the point, I think the student body will be toothless. Like a octogenarian. 40% representation in DISCO, bicameral student body, sounds like the President of India has more power. This whole thing is like reservations, it gives us hopes without actually doing anything concrete to realize it. The only minor inconvenience that this will cause to the administration is, that they will have to buy a new file to keep our complaints pending in.

All this, and the Director still hasn't agreed to waive the guy's punishment.

NITR Circus

Here's a vid we made as a part of the Language Lab curriculum. Enjoy(??).

Bournvita Piyo...

Q: Why did David Blaine refuse from performing at night?
A: Kyunki jab dhoop hoti hai tabhi jadoo kaam karta hai.

Truly Asia ?

Finally. The Sharia law courts in Malaysia are changing their prejudices against women by caning women.

The court had ordered for a lady who had committed the unforgivable, un-sanctimonious, carnal act of drinking beer. How could she? Didn't she know that that's equivalent to treason in Malaysia?

Well, at least we can expect women to be treated on par with men with more acts of corporal punishment like amputation, stoning, etc in store for them. Who knows, maybe the day when even men are made to wear a burkha and married off at a young age isn't so far away.

As they say- "Malaysia, Truly..."

P.S.- Check out-Banned from B.E.P concert.

Alternate Careers

Today, I had gone to an orphanage for Ganesh Puja. Listening to the priest chanting the mantras, I realized that I knew most of them, and could become a priest if I don't get a job.

So, I started wondering, what other careers could our Director, S.K. Sarangi (SKS), choose. Of course some of them would be bad choices, the others would be dream jobs.

So, Let's start with the good choices.

With infinite patience, and a story ready for every occasion he could easily become a good story-teller. He could go on and on with the same story for ages.

He could also be a good bureaucrat. I'm sure he could convince anyone in the office to scratch his nose for him, courtesy-"My hands are tied". Heck, that guy could even convince the Pope into believing he'd bedded a cheap, fat, ugly and stricken-with-the-wrong-type-of-disease hooker.

A coach. It would be a nightmare for the players. He would keep shifting the players to new positions as soon as they are accustomed to their present one. Even worse, he will assign the same position to two of the senior-most players.

A Police Inspector. What a nightmare that would be for criminals!! Imagine he encounters two thugs, and then he's face to face with them with his gun aimed at them.
SKS-"Hands up!"
Thug#1-"Was he addressing you or me?"
Thug#2-"Dunno. But he has only one gun. One of us will escape."
SKS-"Its no use guys. I shoot from the lip."

Now, the bad choices.

A prostitute. The fact that he's squint-eyed, 70 years old and has as much hair on his head as the BJP have young leaders is not the least of obstacles. Imagine him mouthing his trademark, "My hands are tied" to a customer, you'll get the picture.

An actor. The fact that he's ugly is not a problem. In fact , he's better than some of those WWE material guys with enough hair to start a wig factory who pass off as actors down south. But, wouldn't it be a bit difficult for the leading lady when he says, "Look into my eyes..."??

A call centre employee. Imagine this conversation-
SKS-"Hello, how may I help you sir?"
Customer-"My router has been on since the last 3 days, but now it seems to have stopped working."
SKS-"You see sir, the Internet was first implemented in CERN...."
After about 1 hr.
SKS-"...and that's why you should try turning it off and then on again."
Customer-"You motherf****** brown son of a brown b****!"

Lastly, but more importantly, the one that concerns us all. The Director of an educational 'Institute'. You can say your good-byes and RIP to fun.

Level 12 Withdrawal Symptoms

This guy was a WoW (World of Warcraft) addict. His mother canceled his subscription and the rest, is history...

Living like pigs, eating like pigs...sick like pigs?

Just when we thought that life in this shithole couldn't get worse, just when we had gotten used to sacrificing 85% of our time by the way of attending class, just when we had gotten used to barely-edible food and the stinking and hopelessly filthy toilets, comes this grave piece of news that stings like the last gun-shot of the fatally wounded villain in a Hindi movie. Is it conjunctivitis, is it another bout of measles, no its swine flu!

Yes, it's here. But the Administration,as always, maintains its stand of, "Look! do you see that 500 kg,6 foot long tiger with razor sharp teeth and claws that can cut through steel that's advancing menacingly towards us? Don't worry, it won't hurt us." So, accordingly they have not declared a holiday and have not suspended classes, or arrange for at least some kind of transportation for suspect students, entrusting perfectly healthy students with that responsibility, or provide us with face masks.

Gandhiji would have been proud of this kind of passive resistance.

But I guess people, especially Indians would always make the most of such situations.
Vendors start selling fake face masks at exorbitant rates.
Mediapersons(read India TV) start broadcasting 24*7 coverage of the latest victim to be affected, where he hails from, what he was wearing, what his neighbours in his native place think about him and start a SMS opinion poll on whether he should have shook hands with that foreigner on board that plane which he boarded from the US.
People like me will undoubtedly sneeze our way in those crowded Virar locals."Arrey thoda sa jagah de do naa boss....Aaaachooooo!!"
The more creative-type of producers(Rakhee ka Swayamvar,Roadies...) will surely start a reality TV show on swine flu. I'm sure they'll select some dumb ass C-grade celebrity for the show who'll say "Please don't vote me out because I'm a vegetarian and i can't get swine flu"!

And finally, a math related PJ.

Q: What do you get if you delay swine flu?
A: Cos Flu (swine flu - sine flu ????)

OP-AMP Fiasco

There's this one person in my class who thinks of himself as a stud. Lets call him "Mr. Wannabe". Wannabe is the laughing stock of the class, even though we have quite a number of contenders for that title. Probably that's the only achievement in his life yet.

Wannabe has the most awkward wardrobe in our class. He would beat Govinda hands down with respect to bad dressing sense. That would probably be his second most worthy achievement. He sits on the very first bench in class. During lectures, he gives a very intense look as if he were constipated since birth. Particularly funny is when he looks around class after this charade to confirm whether other people followed what was being taught in class or whether its only him. And this thing happens every 2 minutes. During practicals, he heads first to the GMATs to understand what the practical is all about. He literally hangs around for about an hour,waiting on the GMATs like followers of a sadhu would till he speaks. And finally after whiling away an hour he tries to scavenge on bits and pieces of information from other people. Still unable to understand anything, he sits down and bitches about faulty instruments or the lack of infrastructure or the lousy teachers.

This amazingly hilarious incident took place about the same time last year during one of our practical courses. The professor in-charge of the lab was pretty strict, insisting on reading up on the subject to be covered in the lab. And the loafers that we are, we didn't do what was asked of us. Wannabe as usual turned up in his ever trendy and hip attire. Everyone was asked questions about the topic-OP AMPs. The prof asked him a very simple question,"What is an OP-AMP?" What follows was and will be the most amazingly funny answer i've heard till now.

Wannabe twisted and contorted his face to look as serious as a priest about to deliver his sermon and answered,"An OP-AMP is basically a triangle."

Lack of time prohibits me from fully expressing my feelings and thoughts about this fiasco. But i have a few PJs ready.

Q: What did Wannabe say when asked about an inductor?
A: Inductor is basically a spring!

Q: What did Wannabe say when he first say a girl wearing a bikini?
A: Why is that girl wearing OP-AMPs?

Q: What is Wannabe's favourite brand of chips?
A: Bingo.

Q: Who is Wannabe's favourite mathematician?
A: Pythagoras.

Q: What is Wannabe's favourite snack?
A: A samosa.

It seems i have forgotten most of the PJs i had cracked about him. But i think these ones should suffice :D

Racism

I thought of this upon seeing my friend's, whom i shall henceforth refer to as "Mr. Narcissus", Gtalk status message. It read, and at the time of writing this post, still reads "To 63 years of kicking Britain's arse..:D :)".

For those people whom general knowledge is that geriatric head of the army, today, the 15th of August is the Independence Day of India.

That status message sent a wave of sympathy down the dark, filthy and rotten gutter that is my soul. Surprising isn't it? Sympathy, and me!!!

Anyways, I tried explaining to Narcissus why he was a racist, but he wouldn't listen at all as he was busy admiring his reflection in the mirror.

So, we should not discriminate against those firangs just because they were bastards. That's like hating Bush just for Iraq!!

I agree that Gandhi kicked their red ass using non-violence and civil disobedience even though we were the "uncivilized" country for preferring hands to toilet paper. Agreed that they are still a Monarchy in spite of we being the Indians. AGREED that they are a more rigid society than us despite their literacy shooting towards the stars when compared to ours. AGREED that they are technologically challenged when compared to us.Heck, they are even dumber and less opportunistic than us.

Who knows, they might someday wake up in cold sweat after having a nightmare in which a giant, moustached, pot-bellied, bespectacled man tells them,"HAVE YOU TRIED TURNING IT OFF AND THEN ON AGAIN?"

Whatever may be the reason, we should not discriminate against those poor, fair-skinned people. They are the same as us...NOT!!!
Hyuk hyuk hyuk !!!

P.S.- How do you stop an Englishman from drinking his tea?
You cut off his pinky!!

Monkey Business

Hahaha....

So, the Director of Alipore Zoo has been sacked for the theft of 8 non-native monkeys that are found in only 2 zoos in India and which are ironically known as common marmosets. Probably named by the same person who coined "common sense"??

Maybe they should appoint Satyam's ex Ramalinga Raju as the new Director. Then see the 'rise' in the number of animals...

They should replace the stolen monkeys with Harbhajan Singh /Andrew Symonds. That would be an assured crowd puller.Or Rakhi Sawant. I can already visualize a little boy complaining to his mummy,"Shouldn't a monkey's backside be swollen instead of its chest?"

Or we should replace them with politicians. Lets see them stage a walkout now!

Statutory warning : Do not read the following lines if u have an IQ>120.
Q:How does a monkey change the lightbulb?
A:It waits till someone changes the adjacent lightbulb and then imitates him.
Don't say you weren't warned!

Sad Day

Yesterday was a very disturbing day even for me, with the untimely death of student in our campus followed by the tremors of the earthquake. But I still came up with one very sick one.

Q : How many Gandhians does it take to screw a lightbulb?
A : 200. They go on hunger-strike till the bulb screws itself into place.

Mera No 1...

Yay!!! Its my first post.The first ever.

So as the title suggests i shall aim to be the most logical man on earth...or was it the other way round??Anyways, the reason i started this blog is because everyone has a blog. Just like everyone, no matter how much they look like the great "Mithun Da" has a girlfriend. And how all of those type of people are in my college. Or how my backside is itching. I'm thinking too much.

So folks, i hope my God given talent of sounding incoherent amuses you or at least disturbs you.

P.S.- Why does a Gujju not buy 2 cars?
Because then it will be be-car.(be in Gujju means 2)