Resume Of A To-Be CM

 Here is the profile of a CM in waiting :-

Educational Qualifications-
  • Class 3 dropout.
  • Awarded honourary doctrate by MIT (Mumbai Institute of Tiffinwalas), estb. 2009, courtesy yours' truly. 

Work Experience-
  • Part of the team that rigged election booths in Bihar.
  • One of the 'goondas' who regularly beat up journalists for making statements that were against Indian Culture.
  • Regularly beat up couples on Valentines Day and threatened to get them married off.
  • Was Team Leader of Supplies Team for the mob that burnt the opposition leader's house
  • Regularly clashed with opposition workers over trivial matters, torching buses and cars in the process.
  • 'Convinced' scientists to conduct a study showing that deforestation was not linked to global warming, hence the act of selling land occupied by forest to builders has zero carbon footprint. 
  • Built a 50 foot statue of the party chief, which was installed in a park.
  • Organised a first of its kind state wide bandh, where there was a bandh only in the constituencies where the opposition won.
  • 'Collected' funds from civilians and shopkeepers for the golden jubilee celebration of the party.

  • Single-handedly sparked the protests for demand of a new state.
  • Was acquitted in both of the murder trials, including the appeal of the first one.
  •  Was successful in stopping the 'forceful' conversion of Dalits. Even managed to 'reason' with the nuns operating the missionaries to relocate.
  •  Helped in 'redevelopment' slum areas amounting to 500 acres. Similarly, helped in 'development' of 300 acres of land previously occupied by forests.
  • Revenue of the Department during my charge as a Minister showed 'marked increase' as compared to previous year's revenue.

  • Collecting cars of the Porsche brand.
  • Hawala
  • Architecture, especially admiring those in foreign countries.
  • Socialising with cricketers and Bollywood actors.
Sad part is that even though this is a piece of satire, it is still true.

    Etymology Of "Like A Developed Nation"

    Recently the block of developed nations at Copenhagen have undermined the Kyoto Protocol. The Kyoto Protocol states that the industrialized nations have a historic responsibility as they solely contributed to global warming in the past. Hence they should be the ones undertaking the most reduction in green house gases and should also help the developing nations financially and through transfer of technology to reduce emissions. After they effectively shrugged off this responsibility at Copenhagen,what better way to poke fun at them than to coin a new term for irresponsible people?

    Thus the phrase "like a developed nation" is born. It means not owning up to a mistake committed in the past, and trying to pass on the blame to the person/party who is the victim.

    Examples of usage are as follows:
    -Girlfriend to boyfriend,"Don't act like a developed nation by saying that I was the one who seduced you."
    -Pakistan is acting like a developed nation by claiming Indian influence in Balochistan resulted in the civil war.
    -The professor behaved like a developed nation by blaming the students for their lack of knowledge.

    What Is Really Happening At Copenhagen

    Climate Change is on everone's mind these days, because of the much publicised Climate Conference at Copenhagen, Denmark. Emission caps, Bali Action Plan and the Kyoto Protocol are the most talked in this conference. People, do not be fooled, for appearances can be deceptive. My ultra-secret sources at Copenhagen confirmed what I had suspected all along. The conference is a sham!

    What we know is far from the truth. The conference has nothing to do with climate change. It is a fierce strategic battle. A battle for caps, quite literally. Leaders of the various nations of the world are trying to divert a catastrophe more devastating than the climate change.

    Each leader is trying to attract celebs to their country, so that their country has a national hobby. And also because the people will pay less attention to the real issues and spend their time following those lame celebs. It is common knowledge that currently, the US is the country that obsesses about celebs. And celebs flock to US because all the pioneering fashion designers are based there. So, the aim of each head of state, is to attract all the celebs to their country, led like rats by their designers.

    They will do this using a very strategic piece of clothing. It is a well known fact that fashion creates a lot of buzz about a piece of clothing that is least useful for regular people. So, what better way to attract fashion designers than by claiming there is a dearth of caps in one's country? It is but obvious that faced with such a business prospect and the opportunity of increasing one's brand value, the designers will flock to such a country.

    That's why all the people at Copenhagen are talking about 'caps'. Everyone is concerned about their 'caps'. Developed countries say, that developing countries should act responsibly, and help reduce the effect of recession by allowing the designer to stay on in the developed world. Hence India and China should have more caps! But developing countries say, all this dearth of celebs is due to the media (paparazi) of the developed world, which reduces them to a trainwreck. Hence, now it is the developing countries's time, and there should more caps in developed countries.Thus, all countries have thrown their hats into the ring (such puns are irresistable). Such type of childish quarelling resulted in a deadlock at Copenhagen.

    This has resulted in the think-tanks of the various countries putting on their thinking caps and analysing the story about the hat seller who made the monkeys throw their hats on the ground. After all, mankind has evolved from monkeys! These intellectuals have found innovative ways to out-think their competition. They are now claiming that thinking caps are also a variation of the cap, and hence the other countries are not in as much distress as they are!

    All said and done, the conference is boiling down to its final stages. I personally feel that India is brutally handicapped considering that Mr. Manmohan Singh, India's Prime Minister, is a Sardarji. And India also has a long standing tradition where people wear caps and turbans af various colours and hues. Pakistan meanwhile, being a Muslim nation, have either hidden or destroyed all their skull caps. The Interior Minister of Pakistan, Rehman Malik is now claiming that the skull caps do not belong to Pakistan and are demanding proof of the fact that such caps ever existed in Pakistan. To top that, they are demanding financial aid from the USA, claiming that they need it to fight the outflux of caps to Afghanistan!

    Thus, I have succesfully demonstrated that the Copenhagen conference is nothing but a mad-hatters' ball!

    Effects Of Hunger Strike Explored

    Hunger strike is the in-thing these days. Just ask the to-be civilians of the state of Telangana. As such, it is of utmost importance that the phenomenon of hunger strike be analysed. It is a helpful tactic when blackmailing a higher authority. That and it is also of minute relevance to the Telangana issue, which means the media can fill space with such analysis when there is no other 'news' (read liaisons of celebrities) to report.

    The concept of hunger strike is a very noble one, because when you go on a hunger strike, a lot of people follow suit. When a sufficiently large number of people go on a hunger strike, this causes demand for food to drop. Which means, the cost of food will drop despite the inflation and recession. Thus, hunger strike will effectively reduce the food prices, enabling the poor to buy and eat as much food as they can. Thus hunger strike is the only way to reduce hunger!

    Also, as we have seen, the recession has badly affected all forms of commerce, including healthcare. With bailouts for financial firms and automotive giants, the heathcare sector has been plainly ignored. When people will go on a hunger strike, they will require some some form of medication or medical attention, which has been very recently demonstrated by KCR. A large number of people undergoing a hunger strike means an increase in the number of people requiring the services of the healtcare sector. Thus the hunger strike is a bailout for the healthcare sector from the people, for the people, by the people!

    Besides, the hunger strike is the fountain of youth which will revive the aging BJP to its prime. We all know that the Telangana issue was KCR's baby. But over the years, his idealogy became outdated and lost steam, which is happening to BJP now. Cornered and faced with the possibility of having no political clout at all, KCR did what any respectable politician would do- resorting to blackmail and skullduggery.  The BJP should take a page out of the TRS's books and just go on a hunger strike. The issue is secondary, it's the hunger strike that's more important. There, problem solved, no chintan-baithak required!

    The enterprising show-biz community has already been inspired by the hunger strike. The phenomenon of hunger strike will be modified on the lines of 'brain drain' to create an altogether new  concept of 'flab drain' by them. People who will gain the most from this brand-new uber concept will be people like Vandana Luthra and various modeling agencies. 'Flab drain' involves first creating a group of people consisting of Indians and firangs. Then segregate Indians from the firangs, giving a preference to the firangs. The Indians will not be provided with cutlery at all, while the firangs will be given cutlery made of silver. The reason for not providing Indians with cutlery shall be- budget constraints due to provisions of silver cutlery to the firangs. The Indians will go on a hunger strike, at the same time, the firangs will gain weight.
    This will benefit obese Indians, at the same time also providing modeling agencies with models who are not overweight for a change.

    There are also very minor issues like destruction of public property in the protests that follow a hunger strike, disruption of life, damage to the industry in terms of loss of production, unnecessarily diverting attention from conferences that discuss climate change and hence the future of the world,etc that shall not be discussed.

    Keeping in mind the numerous positive aspects of a hunger strike, the state of  Telangana, which owes their creation to the hunger strike, have already forwarded a demand to waste money for causes other than creation of the state by setting up a diamond-studded memorial with an eternal flame signifying the eternal hunger pangs that one has to endure during hunger strikes. I'm sure Gandhiji and all those married women who fast for their husbands on Karva Chauth would be proud.