Jataka Tales

WARNING- GRAPHIC CONTENT

 

Remember those stories we read as children? The one in which anthromorphic animals were the main characters and the story always had a moral? The stories that came with illustrations in thin, glossy books? They were Jataka Tales.

Recently I created one that could be counted as one of those. It has an animal, actually a reptile as the characters, and an ending that is an invaluable lesson in this age. With actual photographs instead of illustrations. Let's begin.

Once upon a time, there was a boy lizard who hit puberty. Let's call him Biswajit Panda. He got curious about the birds and the bees, having fully developed sexual organs and all. One fine day in the summer, he ventured out of the hole in the wall that he called home, into the big bad world called room no. B-60. That world was ruled by a towering giant, who literally laughed out loud whenever he would see lizards having sex.

One day, while turning a corner while in pursuit of a particularly juicy insect, he bumped into this beatiful she-lizard, just as in Bollywood movies. Let us call her Abhipsa Behera.

Biswajit(left), Abhipsa(right)

After that initial meeting, Biswajit and Abhipsa kept bumping into each other more often. Before you knew it, they were doing each other more frequently than Yousuf Pathan hits sixes. 

Things were smooth. Biswajit and Abhipsa graduated, both got a job (Biswajit got an actual one, Abhipsa got one done on her boobs) and and got hitched. They were as happy as they could be. That was until a year after their marriage. Then the sex got boring. They would still have sex, but it became monotonous. That's when these minor tussles between the two erupted into full-blown clicking competitions. They were desperate to spice things up and save their marriage.

 

One day, while lying in bed, Biswajit said to Abhipsa,"Let's try something new."
"What?",Abhipsa replied.
"The towering giant has got a funny machine which contains a large volume of water and spews out cool air. I reckon he calls it a 'cooler'"
"So?"
"Let's do it in there."

And so, Abhipsa and Biswajit proceeded to fornicate in the cooler. They knew a cooler was a very dangerous place. They were aware that it had a device that moved very fast and could dismember you if one would get caught in it. They managed to negotiate that initial problem. But, the bigger problem was, those sick fucks never studied biology in college. So, they never knew that lizards did not have gills. They died a bitter death while making sweet love. But at least they spent their last moments together. And pissed of the giant by making him dispose of their carcasses.

Moral Of The Story : Practise safe sex.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel...

Recently, there was this case of a 15 year old girl who had been diagnosed as having a tumor in her brain. The tumor was growing deep inside her brain, a few milimeters above her pitutary glands. She was promptly admitted to Ispat General Hospital (IGH), the best hospital in the area. A neurosurgeon was called in from Kolkata to extract the tumor.

The surgery was a lenghty procedure, and would take about seven to eight hours to complete. The doctor had planned to drill through her skull, and remove a piece of her skull. The tumor would then be cut up, and would be extracted in parts through the hole in her skull.

The procedure began as planned. The patient was administered anaesthesia, the doctor drilled, and removed a part of her skull. Just as he was about to extract the first piece of the tumor, there was a power cut, which was a very common thing in those areas. The backup was lousy, as in every government funded hospital. The procedure had to be completed on time, the risk of an infection being very high. With scant visibility, and a tolerance of not more than a few microns, the doctor was in a tight spot.

And the, out of the blue, like an angel sent from heaven, came this suggestion from one of the assistant doctors,

"Patient ko mentos khilao, dimaag ki batti jalao!"

And everyone lived happily ever after.

Sadly, it doesn't work for him

Bullfighting

The literal meaning of the word 'bullfighting' means a sport where you 'fight' with the 'bull'. As in, you fight with the big, heavy beast trying to steamroll you to a pulp.

Bullfighting also known as tauromachy, is a traditional spectacle of Spain, Portugal, some cities in southern France and in several Latin American countries, in which one or more bulls are ritually killed in a bullring as a public spectacle. 

That's what the wikipedia entry for bullfighting says. But do not be fooled. For that is not what bullfighting means according to me.

According to me, 'bullfighting' is the art of succesfully 'fighting' the 'bull'. Bull as in absence of truth. In simpler terms, 'bullfighting' means effectively nailing a lie.

Just as in the sport of bullfighting, the 'matador' has to carefully evade being beaten by the 'bull' that is coming head-on, artfully negotiate the twists and turns, and finally thrust the sword into the 'bull' when it is at its weakest. Or get sterilized without anaesthesia. This 'bullfighting' is different from the sport because in the sport, the matador has to concentrate only on the bull. But this 'matador' has to contend with several other 'bulls' that are spawned spontaneously from the parent 'bull'. In addition, he also has to contend with the trail of excreta called as the 'bullshit' that the 'bull' leaves behind. Because some of it, is plain, obvious, others are not.

I think everyone has been at both the ends 'bullfighting'. For example, those instances of "my daddy is so strong he can move a train by pushing the train, when he is in the train!" or "I missed school because my died" or ,"I was late because aliens abducted me" or,"You are only one I told this to". 

As in the sport, the 'bull' ends in a gory death. The Clinton-Lewinsky 'bullfight' was one of the shows that garnered greatest viewership. Even the Marion Jones bull ended badly. Recently, the Himalayan Global Warming bull was brutally slayed. But, in order to make the ritual of 'bullfighting' more civilized, it has been introduced in a reality tv format titled Sach Ka Saamna.

 

Viewer Discretion Is Strongly Advised 

Occasionally, the 'bull' trumps the 'matador'. The Iraq War was a case where the 'bull' (WMDs) was too big to be brought down. But the 'matador' can be pWned in other ways as well, for instance, the retared matador who took on a harmless little rabbit by mistake.


The different regions of the world are home to 'bulls' of different shapes and sizes. In my opinion, of all the countries, Pakistan's stable boasts of the finest bulls. Sample this- Osama is not here, Dawood Ibrahim is untraceable, Hafiz Saeed is under house arrest, Indian hand in Balochistan,etc.

 

The Man Responsible For Those Magnificent Bulls 

India has a very interesting variation of bullfighting, the sport, played in Tamil Nadu. The matadors are without weapons and the bull is not killed after the event. Indian 'bullfighting' is also similar, where the 'matadors' are useless against the 'bulls', and cannot finish it off no matter what, even though it has been mortally injured. This is demonstrated by the Ruchika bull and the Jessica bull. Same is the case for the 5 yearly spectacle called the Elections, where every time, the same 'bulls' haunt the masses, but cannot be exorcised for lack of firepower.