Jataka Tales

WARNING- GRAPHIC CONTENT

 

Remember those stories we read as children? The one in which anthromorphic animals were the main characters and the story always had a moral? The stories that came with illustrations in thin, glossy books? They were Jataka Tales.

Recently I created one that could be counted as one of those. It has an animal, actually a reptile as the characters, and an ending that is an invaluable lesson in this age. With actual photographs instead of illustrations. Let's begin.

Once upon a time, there was a boy lizard who hit puberty. Let's call him Biswajit Panda. He got curious about the birds and the bees, having fully developed sexual organs and all. One fine day in the summer, he ventured out of the hole in the wall that he called home, into the big bad world called room no. B-60. That world was ruled by a towering giant, who literally laughed out loud whenever he would see lizards having sex.

One day, while turning a corner while in pursuit of a particularly juicy insect, he bumped into this beatiful she-lizard, just as in Bollywood movies. Let us call her Abhipsa Behera.

Biswajit(left), Abhipsa(right)

After that initial meeting, Biswajit and Abhipsa kept bumping into each other more often. Before you knew it, they were doing each other more frequently than Yousuf Pathan hits sixes. 

Things were smooth. Biswajit and Abhipsa graduated, both got a job (Biswajit got an actual one, Abhipsa got one done on her boobs) and and got hitched. They were as happy as they could be. That was until a year after their marriage. Then the sex got boring. They would still have sex, but it became monotonous. That's when these minor tussles between the two erupted into full-blown clicking competitions. They were desperate to spice things up and save their marriage.

 

One day, while lying in bed, Biswajit said to Abhipsa,"Let's try something new."
"What?",Abhipsa replied.
"The towering giant has got a funny machine which contains a large volume of water and spews out cool air. I reckon he calls it a 'cooler'"
"So?"
"Let's do it in there."

And so, Abhipsa and Biswajit proceeded to fornicate in the cooler. They knew a cooler was a very dangerous place. They were aware that it had a device that moved very fast and could dismember you if one would get caught in it. They managed to negotiate that initial problem. But, the bigger problem was, those sick fucks never studied biology in college. So, they never knew that lizards did not have gills. They died a bitter death while making sweet love. But at least they spent their last moments together. And pissed of the giant by making him dispose of their carcasses.

Moral Of The Story : Practise safe sex.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel...

Recently, there was this case of a 15 year old girl who had been diagnosed as having a tumor in her brain. The tumor was growing deep inside her brain, a few milimeters above her pitutary glands. She was promptly admitted to Ispat General Hospital (IGH), the best hospital in the area. A neurosurgeon was called in from Kolkata to extract the tumor.

The surgery was a lenghty procedure, and would take about seven to eight hours to complete. The doctor had planned to drill through her skull, and remove a piece of her skull. The tumor would then be cut up, and would be extracted in parts through the hole in her skull.

The procedure began as planned. The patient was administered anaesthesia, the doctor drilled, and removed a part of her skull. Just as he was about to extract the first piece of the tumor, there was a power cut, which was a very common thing in those areas. The backup was lousy, as in every government funded hospital. The procedure had to be completed on time, the risk of an infection being very high. With scant visibility, and a tolerance of not more than a few microns, the doctor was in a tight spot.

And the, out of the blue, like an angel sent from heaven, came this suggestion from one of the assistant doctors,

"Patient ko mentos khilao, dimaag ki batti jalao!"

And everyone lived happily ever after.

Sadly, it doesn't work for him

Bullfighting

The literal meaning of the word 'bullfighting' means a sport where you 'fight' with the 'bull'. As in, you fight with the big, heavy beast trying to steamroll you to a pulp.

Bullfighting also known as tauromachy, is a traditional spectacle of Spain, Portugal, some cities in southern France and in several Latin American countries, in which one or more bulls are ritually killed in a bullring as a public spectacle. 

That's what the wikipedia entry for bullfighting says. But do not be fooled. For that is not what bullfighting means according to me.

According to me, 'bullfighting' is the art of succesfully 'fighting' the 'bull'. Bull as in absence of truth. In simpler terms, 'bullfighting' means effectively nailing a lie.

Just as in the sport of bullfighting, the 'matador' has to carefully evade being beaten by the 'bull' that is coming head-on, artfully negotiate the twists and turns, and finally thrust the sword into the 'bull' when it is at its weakest. Or get sterilized without anaesthesia. This 'bullfighting' is different from the sport because in the sport, the matador has to concentrate only on the bull. But this 'matador' has to contend with several other 'bulls' that are spawned spontaneously from the parent 'bull'. In addition, he also has to contend with the trail of excreta called as the 'bullshit' that the 'bull' leaves behind. Because some of it, is plain, obvious, others are not.

I think everyone has been at both the ends 'bullfighting'. For example, those instances of "my daddy is so strong he can move a train by pushing the train, when he is in the train!" or "I missed school because my died" or ,"I was late because aliens abducted me" or,"You are only one I told this to". 

As in the sport, the 'bull' ends in a gory death. The Clinton-Lewinsky 'bullfight' was one of the shows that garnered greatest viewership. Even the Marion Jones bull ended badly. Recently, the Himalayan Global Warming bull was brutally slayed. But, in order to make the ritual of 'bullfighting' more civilized, it has been introduced in a reality tv format titled Sach Ka Saamna.

 

Viewer Discretion Is Strongly Advised 

Occasionally, the 'bull' trumps the 'matador'. The Iraq War was a case where the 'bull' (WMDs) was too big to be brought down. But the 'matador' can be pWned in other ways as well, for instance, the retared matador who took on a harmless little rabbit by mistake.


The different regions of the world are home to 'bulls' of different shapes and sizes. In my opinion, of all the countries, Pakistan's stable boasts of the finest bulls. Sample this- Osama is not here, Dawood Ibrahim is untraceable, Hafiz Saeed is under house arrest, Indian hand in Balochistan,etc.

 

The Man Responsible For Those Magnificent Bulls 

India has a very interesting variation of bullfighting, the sport, played in Tamil Nadu. The matadors are without weapons and the bull is not killed after the event. Indian 'bullfighting' is also similar, where the 'matadors' are useless against the 'bulls', and cannot finish it off no matter what, even though it has been mortally injured. This is demonstrated by the Ruchika bull and the Jessica bull. Same is the case for the 5 yearly spectacle called the Elections, where every time, the same 'bulls' haunt the masses, but cannot be exorcised for lack of firepower.

WADA To Introduce Compulsory Tests At Concerts

Close on the heels of WADA announcing the 'whereabout' rules contract for Indian cricketers, comes another attempt to rid the world of drugs. Now WADA has proposed regular tests after concerts to stop drug use in concerts.

This has been confirmed by the WADA Chairman, John Fahey. "Musicians often use drugs to write songs and create music. The use of drugs by musicians also helps in increasing their performance during concerts. Isn't this akin to use of drugs to build up muscle and enhance one's performance in sports? We have to stop such dishonest people."

Deo.....errr Dio, as always, had an opinion on this matter

This move is aimed to reduce the 'artificial' competition among rock and heavy metal bands by forcing musicians to rely only on their talent and technique. Lame-ass Indian bands who do not take drugs are beleived to be positively ecstatic about this new regulation. A wannabe rockstar whose band enters the Channel [V] Launchpad every year had this to say, "Yes! Finally we will get a level playing field. Till now all the other bands made us look like those cute kittens on youtube. But no more!"

But certain stars who are known only for sex and drugs and not rock'n roll, like Courtney Love, had this to say, "F*** you WADA!"

Surprisingly, some fans openly welcomed this new initiative. "Hell yeah, bring it on!", they cried in unison. "There is always a competition to see which country has the best crowds. I'm sure plenty of those people in foreign countries behave wildly because they are on drugs. But Indians are totally hardcore. Indians crowds don't need drugs to be rowdy. Now let's see who is the best audience!"

The economic fallout of this move is expected to immense, and drug manufacturers in the USA have already appealed for a bailout, even as the Taliban and Al-Qaeda have begun thinking of new ways to finance their operations.

The Stampede

(For maximum effect read the following post in very soft, mature, and all-knowing voice in your mind, like they do on the Discovery channel documentaries)

While on my recent escapades in Bengaluru, I was fortunate enough to be able to study the charecteristic behaviour of the wildlife of the concrete jungles.

Life in the concrete jungles is marked by a certain peculiar activity. The residents of the jungle participate in a cyclical stampede, occuring twice everyday. After observing the wildlife from a deck perched high upon the concrete canopy for a period of four weeks, I have ascertained that the cycle starts for the first time early in the morning, and then in the evening. This cycle seems to persist for at most six days at a stretch, with majority of the animals prefering to abstain from the stampede on the sixth day, ending with almost every animal resting on the seventh day. Interestingly, the younglings of the jungle prefer to join in this stampede precisely on the sixth and seventh days, when the cycle is at its end.

As there are laws governing the functioning of any system, there is also one law that governs this stampede. The popular law proposed by Darwin, "Survival of the fittest" has been aptly modified to predict the statistical behaviour of this stampede. Hence, the law that governs this stampede is, "Arrival of the fittest."

Among the various species that participate in the stampede, the role of the bus-polluti inefficenti is most interesting. The inefficenti is the numero uno among the participants of this stampede. Being the largest species in size, it is least threatened by the other species during the stampede. Thus, it tends to boss over the various other species, disregarding the laws that others religiously follow. It's status in the concrete jungle is similar to that of the Lion in the jungle.

Second largest in size is the contingent of the honkerous car-sedan. What they lack in size as compared to buses, they make up in strength. They are the single largest species that participate in the stampede. They are usually peace-loving and duly obey rules, showing regard for the smaller species most of the times. But sometimes after nightfall, fuelled by alchohol, they tend to kill the very humans that tend to and create the car-sedan. Another species which mimics the appearance of the car-sedan, called the electricus Revas, though not as powerful or big, also participate in the stampede. The car-sedan species can be compared to the buffaloes in wild.

The next species are the autoricksus pesti and the bikus revvus. Altough the autoricksus is as large as the Revas, it is more strong, both in terms of power and number. The autoricksus are a species that have a strong social network, and have a good knowledge about the concrete jungle and use this knowledge to their advantage. They are also known to share this knowledge with most of the other species. They are a very crafty and oppurtunistic species, and are known to exploit any amount of space to strengthen their position in the stampede. Similar in nature is the bikus. Altough significantly smaller than the autoricksus, they are on an equal footing. Furthermore, the bikus is also known to utlitize pathways called footpaths used for a plankton like species called pedestrians. Both the bikus and the ricksus species can be compared to intelligent animals like the apes.

Latest developments in the stampede include the evolution of the locomotus enginus into a species called Namma Metro.

Resume Of A To-Be CM

 Here is the profile of a CM in waiting :-

Educational Qualifications-

• Class 3 dropout.
• Awarded honourary doctrate by MIT (Mumbai Institute of Tiffinwalas), estb. 2009, courtesy yours' truly. 
  

Work Experience-

• Part of the team that rigged election booths in Bihar.
• One of the 'goondas' who regularly beat up journalists for making statements that were against Indian Culture.
• Regularly beat up couples on Valentines Day and threatened to get them married off.
• Was Team Leader of Supplies Team for the mob that burnt the opposition leader's house
• Regularly clashed with opposition workers over trivial matters, torching buses and cars in the process.
  

Projects-

• 'Convinced' scientists to conduct a study showing that deforestation was not linked to global warming, hence the act of selling land occupied by forest to builders has zero carbon footprint. 
  
• Built a 50 foot statue of the party chief, which was installed in a park.
• Organised a first of its kind state wide bandh, where there was a bandh only in the constituencies where the opposition won.
• 'Collected' funds from civilians and shopkeepers for the golden jubilee celebration of the party.

Achievements-

• Single-handedly sparked the protests for demand of a new state.
• Was acquitted in both of the murder trials, including the appeal of the first one.
•  Was successful in stopping the 'forceful' conversion of Dalits. Even managed to 'reason' with the nuns operating the missionaries to relocate.
•  Helped in 'redevelopment' slum areas amounting to 500 acres. Similarly, helped in 'development' of 300 acres of land previously occupied by forests.
• Revenue of the Department during my charge as a Minister showed 'marked increase' as compared to previous year's revenue.

Hobbies-

• Collecting cars of the Porsche brand.
• Hawala
• Architecture, especially admiring those in foreign countries.
  
• Socialising with cricketers and Bollywood actors.

Sad part is that even though this is a piece of satire, it is still true.

Etymology Of "Like A Developed Nation"

Recently the block of developed nations at Copenhagen have undermined the Kyoto Protocol. The Kyoto Protocol states that the industrialized nations have a historic responsibility as they solely contributed to global warming in the past. Hence they should be the ones undertaking the most reduction in green house gases and should also help the developing nations financially and through transfer of technology to reduce emissions. After they effectively shrugged off this responsibility at Copenhagen,what better way to poke fun at them than to coin a new term for irresponsible people?

Thus the phrase "like a developed nation" is born. It means not owning up to a mistake committed in the past, and trying to pass on the blame to the person/party who is the victim.

Examples of usage are as follows:
-Girlfriend to boyfriend,"Don't act like a developed nation by saying that I was the one who seduced you."
-Pakistan is acting like a developed nation by claiming Indian influence in Balochistan resulted in the civil war.
-The professor behaved like a developed nation by blaming the students for their lack of knowledge.